In the three
years since "Twilight" bowed in theaters, we've learned a few things:
One, while teen girls
are a sizable portion of the fan base, they're not its totality.
Two, the first three
films of the franchise have pulled in roughly $1.8 billion worldwide in ticket
sales (not adjusted for inflation), according to BoxOfficeMojo.com. That's
apparently enough for Robert Pattinson, who stars as Edward Cullen, to talk of
being able to afford to fail, and his co-star Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan) of
donating some of her "funds."
Three, there must be
a just a teeny tiny footnote on each installment's budget for Taylor Lautner's
wardrobe, because rare is the moment when the kid isn't walking around without
a shirt.
But as "The
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part I" opens in theaters today, we're
recounting 10 other (tongue firmly in cheek) lessons we've culled from the
series, themes that have been carried from Stephenie Meyer's best-selling
novels onto the big screen.
1. Love at first
sight is overrated; he or she should fall for you at first whiff.
Before Edward Cullen
got to know the human he eventually married, he smelled Bella from across the
classroom.
Yes, his senses are
attuned to the scent of human blood, but you're missing the point: Bella's
smelled special, like his "own personal brand of heroin," as he
memorably says in the first film. Ladies and gents, rethink your relationships
if they don't inspire comparisons to narcotics.
2. "He's Just
Not That Into You" had it all wrong -- silence, irritation, storming off
and mood swings are actually signs of unexpressed affection.
Edward Cullen wasn't
always the sparkly dreamboat of a blood-drinking gentleman you'll see in
theaters this weekend. At first, he was actually pretty rude, prone to angrily
walking away from Bella, being short with her and repeatedly telling her to
stay away from him because he's dangerous. Talk about mixed messages!
The next time someone
gives you the brush off, don't think he or she isn't into you. Perhaps they're
just trying to refrain from going for that vein in your neck.
Which brings us to
our next lesson:
3. Be accepting of
your partner's eccentricities.
Quirks such as eye
color fluctuations, superhuman strength, the ability to read minds and family
members who try to devour you on your birthday are qualities that make a
partner unique. Don't let silly things like her predisposition to kill stand in
the way -- every relationship has its obstacles! Just be glad she's not a
zombie.
4. There's no such
thing as personal space when one's in love.
Edward and Bella are
so into each other, the thought of being separated for more than a span of a
few days could send one of them into an outburst that rivals a demonic
possession out of "The Exorcist." This was depicted with strong
commitment from Kristen Stewart in 2008's "Twilight," as she made
Bella appear to be on the verge of a stroke when Edward suggested they should
maybe rethink this whole human/vampire relationship thing.
Really, your partner
only needs enough space to go to the bathroom and change clothes, and even
then, you should be waiting for them on the other side of the door.
5. In the event that
you and your partner do breakup, withdrawing from life as you lived it while
having hallucinations about your romantic partner are all expected side
effects.
That's why they call
it being lovesick, kids.
6. Since you can't
control such emotions, one should be open to falling in love with a human,
shapeshifter, immortal or a baby.
Taylor Lautner's
Jacob Black and other select members of his tribe have the ability to phase
into wolves to protect their land, and they can also "imprint,"
essentially falling in love and linking themselves with the one person with
whom they're supposed to be . They also can't help whom they
"imprint" on.
So if it happens that
the woman of your dreams was born just a few days ago to the woman you used to
have a crush on, well, you'll just have to wait.
7. If one love interest
is the fun one, and the other love interest brings the passion, just hang out
with both for as long as possible. *
Committing to one
person is a tough choice, especially when you could die just from hanging
around said individual, so it's understandable if your affections get pulled in
another direction during a vulnerable moment. The best thing to do is to
maintain one as the "relationship" and the other as the
"friendship" until you can't play that game anymore. Bonus if they're
natural-born enemies.
* Frankly, this
lesson makes some sense.
8. There's always
going to be a rumble brewing, and one of you is always going to have to be
saved.
Edward and Bella are
always fighting off this enemy or that, right up until the very end. Believe it
or not, this kind of stress somehow benefits the relationship -- just think of
all that drama as the"spark" that ignites the fire of romantic moments.
You know, "It's us against the world/Volturi," etc.
9. When given the
option, go ahead and stay human for the honeymoon.
And if you're not
breaking the bed while vacationing on your new spouse's private island, you're
doing it wrong. Thankfully, there's hired help ready to clean it all up for you
-- that's what happens when you wed an unbelievably wealthy immortal. But if
you get pregnant, get ready for one hellish gestation period.
10. One can both
acknowledge the ridiculousness of lessons one through nine and still be in line
for a midnight showing after reading the series (again).
Perhaps the biggest
lesson of all? Don't look for nuggets of enlightenment in "Twilight."
As fans of the series could tell you, the biggest draw isn't the outlandish
plot points or the unrealistic romantic ideals, but the classic fantasy of love
somehow conquering all.
By Breeanna Hare, CNN
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